Murky Regrets
by Legendary Neo-Jin
Summary: Another introspective fic, sorry i havent posted in a long time for those who remember me lol.


Hallo people, been a while, but here is a new fic for you. More info at the end of the fic.

Murky Regrets

Waves lapped at his feet as he walked down the long stretch of beach alone. The sun long since having set, leaving only the pale light of the moon, hanging sorrowfully in the sky. The night was warm, and a slight wind lent its mournful whispers, slipping past his ears, taunting him with echoes of the past.

Walking onwards he soon found himself in a familiar-styled area, illuminated by a few, weak, street lamps, he slowly walked over to a bench. His stride weighed by the weight one feels of past regrets, he slowly eased himself down. Setting down a small bag he had slung over his shoulder, he pulled out bottle, and opened it. The hiss and pop of the cap seeming to reverberate around the beach, yet be drowned out at the same time, it was as if a great conductor had signaled the start of the symphony.

Taking a long pull from the bottle the man pulled out a pad of paper, and a pen. A simple affair, easily bought at any local store, it nonetheless radiated a sense of importance, as if claiming this one moment in time as its own. Setting the pad open on his crossed legs, he took another long pull from it, the bitter liquor filling him with some silent resolve. Sighing he closed his eyes, set pen to paper, and sat quietly for a moment. Finally, opening his eyes, haunted by a great mark of sadness and regret, yet still tempered by the invincibility of youth, he started to write.

"Its funny to think, that only a few years ago, my career seemed to be so set in stone, so secure, that I could have laid the foundation of my future home upon it. Young that I was, I knew I could do great if I chose to. Life as a child was never certain, the town I grew up in was dusty and rather dead-ended. Yet like any child I stared at the stars and dreamt of what might be. As I grew older I took my steps towards being a man, and before i knew it I was wearing a shiny badge and a uniform that reflected the fierce pride I had in myself. My parents, my family...proud. Happy... They saw a bright, shining future for their son. I would have never guessed, that I would prove them wrong." Another sigh at this. Another gulp of bitter reminders.

"How do you know yourself, when you have yet to learn where your lines are? Rome was a friend... True and good and yet when the time came, regardless that it wasn't my fault, I still sent him behind bars. I had made my choice, I had decided on my destiny... Or so I thought..."

"You see, I've made plenty of mistakes in my life, and sometimes I've done things that weigh on my memories as heavy as a lead weight. And over time the regret permeates the rest of my life, so even my most bright moments, turn as bitter as the poison I induce to my body." And yet, another long, lasting, pull. "I guess the heart of it is... If my greatest career mistake was letting a criminal...no....a friend, go free. Then my greatest personal mistake was to not go with him. Or with her. To earn back their trust and respect... To see love in her eyes instead of a deep and painful hurt. Instead of facing that hurt, I chose to run instead. From one side of the country to the other, always running from my shadows of the past. Shadows that threatened to engulf me, even in the sun drenched cities of Florida. There I made a new life for myself, where I made a new reputation for myself. But what was it based around? Not the righteous fight to end crime and bring peace, but the lessons learned as a undercover informant, a street racer and hustler. A guy with ties to other "criminal" people. In the end it was the same, people betrayed, even if criminals, are people betrayed. Making a new chance and life for Rome.... Too good to be true, indeed, making one for the both of us, clean and clear, even more so."

"Its also where I met Her. I knew she was trouble from the beginning. But in that faint smile, in that tanned complexion and large eyes, I saw a glimmer of the past. Of a girl I loved...still loved, with all my heart. And it ends with her walking away, to rejoin the forces that protect the people from people LIKE ME. People who, regardless of whether or not its the right thing to do for one person, do the wrong thing for the people." A series of gulps, a gasp of air and the pen moved faster.

"Mia was a shinning light, a girl, who despite her life and environment, grew to be both beautiful and compassionate. Who cared about me. It hurt sometimes...to not be able to hold her close as Brian O'Conner, to not be able to tell her the truth. When I think about it...and Lord have I thought about it many times, she never did love me. She loved Brian Spilner, a street racer, a friend of her brothers', a mechanic and a breath of fresh air in her otherwise stale life. And when she met the real me, and found out the real truth...the love dissolved into pain and anger, and hate. Whether for me or for her brother brining things to this, it did not matter. The point was, my point is, that we dont always turn out the way we expected in life. The new girl turned out to be a Customs Agent, and regardless of the tension between us, there was no romance, no real spark, it was all an act in a way, she playing the role of the damsel in distress, me the dark knight with a troubled past seeking redemption.... A hard role to fill, for me at least. She got it easy, and like Mia...walked away in the end. Leaving me alone, with regrets." Another drink, till the last drop, the bottle empty, a pale reflection of the soul.

"We opened a shop, "our pockets werent empty" after all. But then again what do you expect? I was a rouge cop when I went missing, and no matter how much I justified it to myself, i wasnt any better a person after Carter Veron went to jail. Business is good, my reputation and Rome's developing rep, coupled with Tejz's influence, ensured that. So im still turning a wrench, still racing at night, wondering what happened to an idealistic young boy who gazed upwards in the heavens wishing he could be more. Well i became more alright....but quantity doesnt always equal quality. And as I look back on my past, I find myself lacking."

"Would she understand? Would that I go to her now, would she take me in her arms, look me in my eyes, and see the endless pain reflected in them. Would she forgive me my sins and take me to her bed, and let us start anew? Or would she spurn me, introduce me to her Knight in Shining Armor, a man who wanted to be more and stuck to it? Or is the real issue with myself, and no one else?" A series of tones break into the night, a dim flashing emitting from the bag.

"Someone calling me...probably Rome or Tejz, calling me to a race. What would tomorrow be like, I wonder, if i was ignore it... Ignore it and leave here, leave this... And go find her. Start a real new life. Break the small steps in life and take the plunge." The phone rings again...and again...and a hand pulls it out, opening it up and saying in a somehow calm and collected voice "Whats up?"... "Yeah...ill be there in a few." Pen back to paper, he wrote:

"Im a fool, and a coward. I'll never find her, never go to her again. Im too afraid of the answer. So I'll stick with what I know now." The pen stops...halting for a moment then starting one last time.

"You know... It was a place like this that we came to after our first date... I had hoped there would be endless more...but things dont always turn out like we planned." Taking a last look at his scrawl... He tore the sheets free and rolled them up, putting them in the now empty bottle, and capping it. Gazing out across the sea, he walked forward, feeling the waves lap at his feet once more. With a shout, he heaved the bottle far, and watched listlessly as it splashed far away.

Walking away towards his car, he thought thoughts of the upcoming race. Never looking back lest he add one more regret to his life. Staging up on yet another quarter mile of his life, too afraid to leave, too set in his path... Never realizing that his life was now set in stone. Perhaps had an old friend of his, who knew what he was going through, been there, he might have been able to tell him otherwise, and set him on the right course. But his bottled thoughts floated out amongst the sea as well, and if there thoughts ever crossed again, it would be merely by chance.

Fin

Well its been a long hiatus, but im back...sorta. I wrote this shortly after some friends had gone home, i gave one of my turbos to a teammate and friend for his project build up, but mostly we reminisced about old times and directions not taken. Opportunities missed. Things like that, and it made me wonder what Brian O'Conner might have thought when it was all said and done. All movie hyperbole aside, what would one really think after all the bravado faded? Looking back on my life so far...this is what I came up with. Not quite as succient as the Dominic one i did a long time ago, but just as meaningful. A self inspired bit about regrets that arent fully realized, and being afraid to go back and change it. For those who haven't read it, I wrote a fic called Trapped in Freedom a while back, and this is the second story in a planned (though delayed) series of introspective ficlets. I have new chapters written for The Search for Hope, but since 2F2F came out I felt there was no reason to post them, since it put my fic in the AU realm. If people want it up, let me know. Review if you want, or you can send me email at my new address, 

-Brian

Next up is an introspective look at Vince.


End file.
